2 Years.

Betty Lou Lowrey 1923-2008

Something’s causing feet to fly,
rising like a dark knight
in silence
Traffic’s slow with broken boats
heading for the sea
and I’m an island

I watched you disappear into the clouds
swept away into another town

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days

The sun is in the east,
rising for the beasts
and the beauties
If only I could tear it down,
plant it in the ground to warm your face

I built myself a castle on the beach
Watching as it slid into the sea

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

Through wars and harvest moons
I will wait for you.

The world carries on without you
but nothing remains the same
I’ll be lost without you
until the last of days
until the last of days

- A Fine Frenzy

Fractured. On a Friday.

What would you think of me now?
So lucky, so strong, so proud
I never said thank you for that
Now I'll never have a chance
- Jimmy Eat World

Today is a fractured kind of day. All over the place, and I'm having a hard time deciding what to do first. We sold. our. house. I can hardly believe it. All I heard was how terrible the market was...yadda yadda yadda. It sold in THREE DAYS. Un. Freakin'. Believable.

So, here's the catch. We have to pack. Fast. And get the heck out. I got up this morning to an empty house and stared down the greatest obstacle to a fast packing day: Grandma's box. The small box holding everything I have left. The letters. The trinkets. All of it.

Now, I could have just thrown the box in a packing bin and forgotten about it, except it was so stuffed that it needed to be resorted. So, I put on some ITunes, got my camera out, and decided if I was going to have to go through the box, I might as well go through it right...have a good cry...and make it a blog post.
Yesterday, on my way to Madison, I stopped by to see Grams.



Grams still had an old school library card from the BPL.

The last pajamas.

The Nerd Hat. Grams wore these to keep the "do" fresh and poofy.

Nerd Hat #2




Grandma is the one who taught me the wonder of the eyebrow pencil. Seems an odd thing to keep, but it was a part of who she was. She never went out without her eyebrows.

Years of letters.



She was nothing if not persistent.


This breaks my heart. If we only knew.

The letter she wrote me when I was confirmed. She was my sponsor.

I got everything put away. The pajamas still smelled like her. I could still hear her voice in the letters....but with each passing month since her death its harder and harder to remember what she sounded like when she said my name...or her laugh. I wish I was able to bottle that and put it in the box as well. I miss her voice. I miss everything about her. I sat in my office and read every.single.letter in the pile. Years of letters. I normally got one every week...in a card...chock full of coupons for diapers and dish soap.

She said a lot that she missed me and wished I stopped by more often. It makes my heart ache. What was I so busy doing?
Why didn't I call her every time a letter came?
The regrets cropped up with each word.

It's amazing how quickly your whole life changes. Last week we were talking about moving...this week our home is sold and my office is empty.
Two years ago I was getting a letter a week from my favorite person.
Now I'm having a hard time remembering what she sounded like.
I want to roll with the changes. I want to be excited about whats in store for the future.

I just wish I could pick up the phone and tell her all about it first.

One Year.

Shadows are fallin', and I'm running out of breath.
Keep me in your heart for awhile
If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less.
Keep me in your heart for awhile

- Warren Zevon

Betty Lou Lowrey
August 12, 1923 - October 8, 2008

Today.

Today.

Today....you would have been 86.

Today...you would have called me to have lunch.

Today....you would have told me your mind feels 19.

Today....I would have probably given you another Barnes and Nobles giftcard.

Today....you would have asked how the Boopers was.

Today....you would have laughed off how crappy you felt physically.

Today....we would have talked about Obama and healthcare.

Today....you should be 86.

The Way Things Are Now.

I got my 1st birthday card of the year today. A lovely little note signed "With all my love, Grandpa".

Of course, I got choked up. Because just last year it was "Grandma & Pa", how she always signed the cards. She underlined random words, that was her thing. Now, just a lone Grandpa. Even the signature looked lonely...if that's even possible.

I miss her a lot lately. Knowing that just one year ago she was here and I could call her. Knowing that a year ago Grandpa had a partner. Knowing that the card from last year was from both.

It's the little things that give stark reminders of the way things are now, how everything has changed yet life still goes on. Every day we keep walking, keep talking, keep making plans...hoping against hope we can see them through.

Funny how a birthday card can say so much, bring up so much emotion. I stuck it in the box where I keep all the ones from years before. All the ones signed with both names. I can't really bring myself to go back and read them all...it's too soon, too different...but I guess that's just the way things are now.



Picture by Expressive Photography

6 Months On.

It's been 6 months to the day since I lost Grams. Grief is such a funny thing....there are days when I'm okay as if she's still here, still with us. And then there are days it hits me so hard that I can't think of anything else except how much I miss her.

In my age group, losing a grandparent is pretty typical. I'm nearly 30, our grandparents are getting up there in age. Still, losing her was a blow I could never prepare myself for. She was such an integral part of my life.

I ordered a little button with her picture on it to wear on my gown at graduation next month. She wanted so badly to be there when I finished, and in some small way she can be. Even if it's just in spirit.

I love you Grams. Forever and always.

Walking Forward.

Tonight I'll dream while I'm in bed

when silly thoughts go through my head

about the bugs and alphabet

and when I wake tommorow I'll bet

that you and I will walk together again

- White Stripes

This week I start my final semester of college. I started school in 1999 on the urging of my Grams, who had been attending audit classes at UW-Rock County for some 15 years by that time. I started at UW-Rock County myself and had two classes with Grams. We sat side by side, I stole her notes because they were better than my own, she spoke up in class about The Depression and WWII (chiding one classmate who spoke out about the war "Were you THERE?? Because I WAS!). She made sure I showed up. As I went on to a different school we would always call one another or get together before the start of each semester to compare classes and talk about the upcoming months.

So here it is. My last semester. And I enter it alone. No calls, no comparisons. In May, when I walk across that stage to accept my degree (in Sociology) she won't be there. The one person who pushed me harder than anyone to go to college and to finish no matter what.

I put a picture of Grams & I right next to my computer so I can look over at her as I do my homework over the next few months. I wish more than anything I could call her up and complain about having to take a science requirement. About the cost of books. About anything.

Grams was my inspiration, and in a few short months I'll finally reach the goal I set out to achieve 10 years ago. I'm walking forward alone, but I carry her lessons with me. I have her notebooks from the last few years of school. Her adorable scribble and funny little side notes (Stalin= BAD MAN). They are a prized possession to me because I know how important they were to her. She wanted nothing more than to recover and get back to class. I hope that by finishing this year I can do what she never did...and what she always wanted for me.

The Teacher.

But all endings are beginnings, we just don't know it at the time

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I watched The Five People You Meet in Heaven tonight....okay...sort of. I got about 1/2 way through and couldn't finish.

I had been a bit a worried because since my gram's funeral I hadn't really cried much. I teared up a bit here or there, but I felt almost numb. Like it hadn't happened. I knew something was missing, but that weight of missing and grieving was just laying there, motionless. Nowhere to go.

Hate to say that a movie on the Hallmark channel jarred it loose....but it was a pretty good movie (from what I saw of it).

Made me think about regret. My grandmother had always wanted to be a teacher. She was whip smart and well-read...she would have made a fabulous teacher. But, she got married and had kids instead....eight of them in fact. Then 10 grandkids...and 13 great-grandkids. I think her whole life was spent enjoying her family, but housing deep regret over the life as a teacher that she had given up.

I don't know if she ever learned that she WAS a teacher, the best kind of teacher. She just didn't have the title, the schooling, or the pay. But she had the lessons that were bestowed on each of us. How to mother, how to love, how to enjoy learning, and how to teach others. If there is a heaven, and if she's there, I hope someone is revealing that to her. Showing her the difference she made when she believed there was no difference made at all.

She taught me a huge lesson when it comes to motherhood. That staying home and spending time with my daughter is not time wasted. Sure, I could be behind a desk. But when I gave birth, I too became a teacher. And being with Betty step by step is more important to me than any desk job.

I'm lucky enough that I can take pictures for people. It brings me happiness, I hope it makes them happy, and it affords me the luxury of being able to spend every day with my daughter, applying lessons passed down from Grams.

I'm just in thought tonight...not really sure why. Just wondering why things are the way they are and how to make sense of it all.

I'm hoping this ending is the beginning of another chapter, one that will come out good for all those left behind. It's hard to see right now through the veil of grief, but I have a feeling it's there.

I am in awe of this woman, who in 85 years fulfilled not only a role as a wonderful mother but as a teacher whether she realized it or not.

And I miss her.

The Adventures of Mommy in Grouchland.

Ok, so maybe I haven't reached Grouch-dom quite yet, but I haven't been exactly in the best of spirits the last few days. I've been tired...all from lack of sleep. I've been grieving, which takes a lot out of a person.

But, I used the last few days to reconnect with Betty, who spent last week mostly with my inlaws while I spent time with Grams and did the whole funeral/visitation deal.

So, Betty and I have played, read books, and watched Elmo in Grouchland about 50 times. My daughter has begun a deep love affair with the little red monster and nothing can tear her away from that TV set once Elmo is on. Now, I'm not an anti-TV parent. I love television, movies, any form of pop culture is okay by me. But, I do get a twinge of nervousness when I watch The Peanut get that glazed over look on her face as she stares lovingly at Elmo. Her parents become a distant memory....she is transfixed. I suppose there are worse things. And I have to admit, I used Elmo to help me get the last wedding edited and out the door!

But, it does bring a smile to my face, something I needed this week. It's really hard to get mired down in grief with a 15 month old red head around. She's spending the weekend with grandparents though, and I may just have to watch Elmo in Grouchland myself just to ease the ache of having her away.

But, fear not dear readers (all 10 of you or so), I'm not making this some sad grief blog. I have three sittings this weekend, so I shall return to blogging about good light, brides and grooms, and little kids with cute smiles soon enough. I have to say that being able to blab on here about this past week has been quite nice though.

Ahhh....love. (Notice the 2 Elmo dolls AND the Elmo sippy)
It's starting! It's starting!
Joy!
There are parents out there who would probably completely cringe at this picture!

Just Keep Swimming.

You know what you gotta do when life gets you down?

Just keep swimming Just keep swimming

For some reason I keep repeating this to myself: Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. Like the little cartoon fish that has something to prove, I guess. In the past few days it's felt like if I didn't "keep swimming" I would drown in grief. It's nipping at my heels, and if I stop for a second it's there ready to envelope me. I wasn't in the mood today...I was cried out. So, I decided we needed to get out and do something as a family. Something Betty-centered and fun.
So, we went to Schuett Farms in Mukwonago to visit the pumpkin patch.

It was nice to just spend some time with the kid and the hubby (participating in what my husband called good-ole' wholesome family fun). It was unseasonably warm today and I thought it was worthwhile to take advantage of the beautiful weather.

So...I keep swimming...walking...talking. One foot in front of the other hoping the grief doesn't continue to catch up with me. I know it's been less than a week, but I just don't want to miss her. I don't want to be without her. So I am, for now, comfortable in my self-imposed denial...healthy or not. I'm just exhausted and not ready to give in the grief just yet.

I didn't intend to continue to talk about it on here, a blog that was supposed to be reserved for my photo projects and client sneak peeks...but this is what is going on right now. And it helps to write it out so it's not caught in my head making me go crazy.

I miss her. Terribly.

I was at the pumpkin patch today smiling at my darling daughter and enjoying the lovely day, but the missing was still there. The hurt was still around us. I guess I can't rush it going away, but it's so incredibly unwelcome.

I caught some great pictures of The Peanut and I'm enjoying editing her pictures for awhile. Concentrating on her beautiful face and her adorable smile...gives me a bit of peace.

Walkin' in the dirt....woo hoo!
There is a lot of love in this picture

Pumpkins for The Peaunt

Daddy's Little Girl

Betty and I..... swimming.