The Teacher.

But all endings are beginnings, we just don't know it at the time

-The Five People You Meet in Heaven

I watched The Five People You Meet in Heaven tonight....okay...sort of. I got about 1/2 way through and couldn't finish.

I had been a bit a worried because since my gram's funeral I hadn't really cried much. I teared up a bit here or there, but I felt almost numb. Like it hadn't happened. I knew something was missing, but that weight of missing and grieving was just laying there, motionless. Nowhere to go.

Hate to say that a movie on the Hallmark channel jarred it loose....but it was a pretty good movie (from what I saw of it).

Made me think about regret. My grandmother had always wanted to be a teacher. She was whip smart and well-read...she would have made a fabulous teacher. But, she got married and had kids instead....eight of them in fact. Then 10 grandkids...and 13 great-grandkids. I think her whole life was spent enjoying her family, but housing deep regret over the life as a teacher that she had given up.

I don't know if she ever learned that she WAS a teacher, the best kind of teacher. She just didn't have the title, the schooling, or the pay. But she had the lessons that were bestowed on each of us. How to mother, how to love, how to enjoy learning, and how to teach others. If there is a heaven, and if she's there, I hope someone is revealing that to her. Showing her the difference she made when she believed there was no difference made at all.

She taught me a huge lesson when it comes to motherhood. That staying home and spending time with my daughter is not time wasted. Sure, I could be behind a desk. But when I gave birth, I too became a teacher. And being with Betty step by step is more important to me than any desk job.

I'm lucky enough that I can take pictures for people. It brings me happiness, I hope it makes them happy, and it affords me the luxury of being able to spend every day with my daughter, applying lessons passed down from Grams.

I'm just in thought tonight...not really sure why. Just wondering why things are the way they are and how to make sense of it all.

I'm hoping this ending is the beginning of another chapter, one that will come out good for all those left behind. It's hard to see right now through the veil of grief, but I have a feeling it's there.

I am in awe of this woman, who in 85 years fulfilled not only a role as a wonderful mother but as a teacher whether she realized it or not.

And I miss her.